Facts Of Life

1. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

4. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

5. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

6. It is when you stop believing in Santa Claus that you start getting clothes for Christmas!

7. Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea..."

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

11. I see your IQ test results were negative.

12. Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

13. When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

14. If G~d had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

15. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

16. If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

17. I have learned there is little difference in husbands, so you might as well keep the first one.

18. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.